Health

What Do I Have to Know

Linda Edelstein

November 30, 2012

There is no going back from understanding. Lawyers like to say, “You can’t unring the bell.”

“There is one lie I used to tell (I don’t say this anymore) to clients in the beginning of therapy. It would occur after we had talked about aspects of their lives that they said they wanted to change, whether it was emotions, personal behaviors or interpersonal relationships. If someone asked, “What if I don’t like the change?” I often responded, “Then you can change back.” This is not true. They certainly can continue to change but the idea of undoing change, as if you were untying a shoe, is equivalent to unknowing. How can you reclaim unknowing?”

There are some many times in life when we learn something that is unwelcome. It could be as small as finding out we are tone deaf. It could be as gigantic as a medical diagnosis or a betrayal. And, surprising, unwelcome news doesn’t have to only come from the outside – it might come from inside ourselves. For example, when we realize that we no longer love our partner, we know that we have reached the end of a job, we finally understand that our parent is an addict, or we comprehend that our child is not the person we had hoped. Information like this changes our world. Just as my client who asked, “What if I don’t like the change?” we can’t go backward, we can’t ‘unknow’. We can’t reclaim innocence.

I’m convinced that the inability to ‘unknow’ is one reason people fight against understanding their situations. They realize that they will have to live with their knowledge and probably act on it, even if that action is acceptance, not leaving, screaming or throwing things. So, it becomes preferable to never gain the knowledge. That is probably what denial is all about. There are things in life that can be undone – hair grows back and possessions can be bought and sold. Other things, if not undone, can be fixed by apologies, better behavior, and future improvement. But certain knowledge exists in that category of, “Oh no, what do I do with this?” That last category compels us forward.

Health

The Problem of Seeing All Points of View

At first glance, seeing different sides of a problem sounds like a good thing to be able to do. It sounds open-minded, flexible and social – right? Not always. Let me explain…
Years ago, I watched an interview at the Republican National Convention. The reporter said to the Republican delegate, “I know that you are a supporter of a woman’s right to choose.”
“Yes,” answered the delegate who happened to be a woman.
“Yet, today you voted against that,” the reporter continued. “You voted for a party platform that outlaws the right to choose.”
“Yes,” she said again.
“Why?”
“I am a supporter of choice but I listened to other people and they wanted a different platform. It meant a lot to them, so I voted with them.”
Forget about your position on choice, forget about Democrats and Republicans. Think about the underlying dynamic that the delegate described. It goes like this – 1.) I believe in a position. 2.) I hear your different beliefs. 3.) I understand that you care. 4.) I go along with you.
Her beliefs haven’t changed; she has not been convinced of another position; she is going along. First, let’s argue that this is a good thing. She has listened; she is empathic; she appreciates other people’s wishes; she knows how to compromise – all good. Next, let’s argue the negative. She has gotten lost; she has given up her beliefs; she is voting against her own values.
I want to suggest an alternative process that involves not being chained to your position AND not giving up your beliefs because someone else happens to have a different idea. Maybe the delegate could have gone through this process instead: 1.) I believe in a position 2.) I hear your different beliefs 3.) I understand that you care. 4.) I understand that I also care and must go back to my beliefs and also consider them in order to come to a decision.
People who see all sides to a question often forget to return to their side, consider and reconsider their own wishes before making a decision. They get stuck in someone else’s beliefs or desires. They get lost in pleasing, accommodating, or compromising – all fine ideas until you personally disappear.

Health

Four Reasons Why Honesty Is Good For You

A Notre Dame researcher asked subjects to stop lying for 10 weeks.

Health

Secrets about Temptation

Most of us understand that succumbing to temptation is very easy to do: think potato chips, nuts, chocolate, shopping, gambling or booze. Temptation, and giving in, is also a mystery – why is it so difficult for some and easier for others? Many people suffer with alcoholism, drug abuse and over eating. Researchers have begun to study this phenomenon in rats and hope that their findings may apply to people.
Why can’t people stop themselves, even when they want to? Here are some findings:

* Alcoholics, drug addicts and obese people are more attracted to the ‘signals’ than other folk. ‘Signals’ are any triggers that make them aware that their drug of choice is nearby, for example, a flickering sign announcing a bar, TV commercials, a song, a smell and other cues that remind them of their desire.
* Seeing, hearing, and smelling these cues or signals sets off a dopamine reaction in the brain. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that helps control the brain’s reward center.
* Sensitivity to signals may be partly inherited. The brain may be set up this way and then we have a mix of environmental and genetic factors that will determine how easy or difficult it will be to back away from temptation.
There is much more work to be done to understand the ‘signal responders’ and then we can begin to develop treatment strategies. For starters, you can understand why it can be helpful to avoid signals that set you off (if you recognize them).
Source: APA Monitor T. Robinson, October 2012, V43 #9