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Senior Correspondent

I recently attended a happiness seminar about male longevity and satisfaction. 

Do married men live longer than single ones? 

Statistics say yes.

The Reason

Marriage is like a tourniquet — it stops circulation.


That is much healthier than running around looking for a date every Saturday night.

Being close to one individual adds to a sense of well-being. A single guy comes home to an empty apartment and fixes himself a few drinks. He cooks a juicy steak with french-fried potatoes and consumes half a bottle of wine, poor fellow.

Sadly there’s no thoughtful woman around to remind him of the amount of cholesterol and starch piled onto his plate. Who will mention that he may be drinking a bit too much? So pathetic! The worse part of it all is that he becomes so relaxed and sleepy that in the AM he barely could wake up the beautiful blonde stranger.

The married man, on the other hand, goes home to another honey-do list. Before running out to her combo “Yoga-Rummy-club-How to eat what you want but not swallow” meeting, his wife tells him to reheat the soy protein casserole (it tastes just like chicken) and the salt-free squash soufflé made with wheat germ. Later while unclogging the garbage disposal, he thinks kindly of his wife. This fine woman who cares enough to serve him the very best and the rabbit liked it, too.

This married man is so eager to leave the house that he will even sit through a board meeting. He actually prances while singing a happy song heading to his car. We know that a man who is happy suffers less stress.

Sadly, single men do not. They have to be on the move constantly, always making new conquests. When they feel sleepy, they have to stifle their yawns and still perform. The married man is fortunate enough to fall asleep on the couch — even when his wife is talking.

It takes a secure man to be comfortable enough to sleep at the drop of anything he doesn’t want to hear. A secure and comfortable man will live much longer than his single counterpart.

Cheering ensued when a disgruntled guy hysterically screamed, “A married man does not actually live longer. It just seems longer.”

He now attends a “Parents Without Partners” group.

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