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Senior Correspondent

I just saw the film "To Rome with Love" written and directed by you, Woody Allen.

This is not the usual Woody Allen film. Actually, since the last century, there has not been a usual Woody film; that is, one with a belly laugh type of humor.

In this film, as with your previous one with Javier Bardem who played an artist, we see a stunning country, attractive actors, breathtaking architecture, and in this current case, a nice coliseum. It showed magnificent landscapes. It had a couple of chuckles. As a travelogue, I give it an “A” and two thumbs up, plus a snap of a towel to your tush.

Are you simply going to take pictures of maps for your next endeavor? What am I going to do about you? Why don't you simply title you next flick “To Triple AAA with Love” since your latest movies are simply guides to exotic locations with little plot or humor?

And how could you waste the talent of brilliant British actress, Judy Davis? I mean really, Woody! I would slap you silly if I thought you would apply that to your next move.

For a change of pace, come to my senior community formally known as Leisure World, now renamed Laguna Woods because of an extremely greedy woman. That is another story, which, by the way, would make a fabulous flick.

We have lovely landscaping and residents from every country and languages galore and for conflict, there are fist fights involving cannon balls, at every board meeting. We could garner you an Oscar as we have seven of them here and a few Murrays since in that past generation every Tom, Dick and Harry was named that or Irving, including the lovely president of our ladies club, “Billiards for Babes in Babushkas.”

Let us be clear my friend; it is not that I do not want you to grow as a person or as filmmaker. But ask yourself the following:

Does Toyota assemble underwear?

Does Haagen-Dazs make Formica tables?

Everyone has a specialty and generally stays with it, perhaps ever so gently exploring other fields. Not you. You have totally relinquished what is truly the best part of you, the humor.

I do not mean to be critical. I do adore you. Frankly, until my laser surgery, I only dated men who resembled you.

We have so much in common as well. Both of us are Brooklyn born; I too celebrated Friday family night where my folks exchanged gunfire or gum at the Shabbat ritual, depending on how the brisket browned.

It is well known in "The Gefilte Fish Chronicles" that certain disagreements about white fish caused massive violence in your own home. Well, my grandma almost perished while weighing a perch and we switched to sashimi on the Sabbath, which was so traumatic. Woody, it is just as if we are twins.

I've been silent until now, because of the CIA’s involvement with the FCC's and their conflict with the rest of the alphabet. I say PU! I am now taking a stand.

Getting back to your Rome ruins, a film with some stuff thrown in. Be aware that I had to coerce my own lover to attend the movie with me. He promptly went into a coma until the shower scene, as he is a cleanliness fanatic and an esteemed member of the “washcloth of the month” club.

I want to help you find yourself and the truly hysterically funny man that you seem to have lost in transit. Come to visit me in California.

DON'T BE SCARED! Cheese fondling is no longer a felony in L.A., so you will not be apprehended. Ah, you are probably too busy with the kids and your coronet and stuff so instead let’s see if we can work this out another way. If you can't make it, ask Javier to come instead.

Finally, my dear friend; funny is what you do better than anyone. So do it already. I am going bananas here. Don't make me get up and put my hands on my hips, Woody, I also have a gub!

With much affection in spite of, well never mind. I do not believe in guilt.

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©2012 Jan Marshall. All rights reservedUnauthorized use is strictly prohibited 

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