Hold on to your barbells. I have news for you. This exposé is going to rock the diet world and every person exercising who is breathing in through their nose and out through their guppy posed lips. It’s even more important than my first study, where I had proven that daily consumption of any type of pasta followed with Sara Lee pound cake is healthier than vitamin C and penicillin combined.
Don’t get me wrong. I, too, once naively thought that dieting and exercise were essential to attractiveness. I even felt successful jogging to what was the sound of applause … until I realized it was just my thighs clapping together.
I was troubled until today, when the results from my own lab were released. The study shows that flabbiness is a sign of extreme intelligence. Did you hear? EXTREME INTELLIGENCE!
But here is the most astounding part. The report concluded that cellulite indicates INCREDIBLE SENSUALITY! Yes, that’s right. The more cellulite, the more sensual the individual. Let us pity the Playboy bunnies and Sports Illustrated swimsuit models as they make promises to men but will only disappoint.
Forget the insanity; use your 90 minutes that would be spent sweating in spandex to instead check out a great restaurant.
Meanwhile, there is a possibility that the Pillsbury Doughboy may finally have met his love match … me!